This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need water and some morals
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
