Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize