Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize