It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
