I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
