my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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