I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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