My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize