remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
