Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
