So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
