I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
