theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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