Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
