I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
