This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
