wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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