I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
