i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
