Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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