this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
