Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
