Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
