I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
