Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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