A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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