found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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