Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
