So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
