mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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