i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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