he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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