Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
