my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
