You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
