we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
there is glitter all over my balls
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
