Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
