almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
