Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
