It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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