Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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