like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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