I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize