you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
