i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize