I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
