i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
