Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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