I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So vagazzling was a success
i think i just lost a toe
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
