1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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