I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
