i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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