I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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