I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I enjoy the company of your penis
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