btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
