It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
