It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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