I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
