this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
