my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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